Who's There?

So yes, it has been a while since the last blog, and why you may ask?
Exams?
Shows?
Work?
Social Life? (well, the small one that actually does exist...)
Well you see, it's not that I haven't actually sat down to write a blog, I have, it's just that I haven't had anything to write about.
I have sat down at the computer, and attempted to write something witty, something funny, maybe something that will have an impact on someone's life, but there's nothing there.
Nothing to write about, nothing to talk about, no stories to tell, nobody to talk to if there was. Hell, I don't even know if anybody reads these blogs...

So this brings me to the point of this perhaps even unread blog.
That's right, I finally found something to write about.
How do I know who's there?
The real issue behind this question is trust. Something that I am finding difficult at the present time. Don't ask me why, but I just am. Maybe it's because in the past few years there have been more people in my life that have betrayed my trust rather than earnt it and kept it.
Some of these people I have forgiven, and am friends with once again, but my real problem is when it comes to the people who are close to me now.
I have shut everyone out. I trust you, I promise that I trust you! It's not you, it's me - all the cliches that we have heard a million times before.
But maybe that's just it - they are cliches because they ARE cliche.

So here it is, an apology, a new years resolution, a new beginning.
I'm sorry if I've shut you out. I'm sorry if you felt as though I didn't want you there, when the truth is probably that I wanted you there more than ever but didn't know how to say it. But mostly I'm sorry for all my mistakes, my flaws, and my excuses, for I know that as cliche as it sounds, it's true - it was never you, it was me.
In the new year, I hope I can trust again. Or maybe if I'm lucky I may even be trusted in return.
I wish upon a star for a new beginning. For all of this to go away, so I can start a clean slate.
I'm sorry that I'm not the person you might have wished for, but there's always a chance of starting a-fresh next year.

How do I know who's there?
Show me.

i don't think you realise

i don’t think you realise how special you are. and i don’t mean a bad special, i mean a genuinely amazing person. some people might say or think differently, but no matter what there is always going to be someone out there who doesn’t like you for you, and yes, you may have to deal with that - but believe it or not, there are more people in this world who love you for who you are, rather than who they want you to be.

i don’t think you realise how talented you are. i've heard that some people don’t appreciate your talent. they don’t acknowledge you, they don’t even notice you’re there. you know why? they’re afraid of what they don’t know, and they don’t know how far you could really go. not only that, but they’re afraid of someone being better than them, something that you’re most definitely capable of.

i don’t think you realise how many people actually care. you tell yourself that there’s only one person you can talk to, you tell yourself that nobody really cares about you, that you’re all alone in this world. but that’s just not true. you might not even realise how much you are appreciated by someone, even if they have a funny way of showing it.

i don't think you realise what a special friend you are. you say you don't have many friends, but always remember that it's all about quality, not quantity. you're always saying thankyou for listening, or thanks for being there, or just thanks for being such a good friend, that you're so lucky to have a friend like me.

i don't think you realise that i'm the lucky one. and although you may be occasionally over-protective, and you have an ability to make me completely insane and immature at times, and you completely explode everything to me - i like knowing that someone cares, i actually enjoy being immature sometimes around someone who i know i can be myself around, even if my mother does disapprove of certain freddo behaviours. but most importantly, i'll always listen. not because i have to, or because i feel obliged to, but just because i want to, because you are important to me.


"sometimes in our lives
we all have pain, we all have sorrow
but if we are wise
we know that there's always tomorrow

lean on me, when you're not strong
and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on
for it won't be long
'til i'm gonna need somebody to lean on

please swallow your pride
if i have things you need to borrow
for no one can fill those of your needs
that you don't let show

lean on me, when you're not strong
and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on
for it won't be long
'til i'm gonna need somebody to lean on

if there is a load you have to bear
that you can't carry
i'm right up the road
i'll share your load
if you just call me

so just call on me brother, when you need a hand
we all need somebody to lean on
i just might have a problem that you'd understand
we all need somebody to lean on

lean on me, when you're not strong
and i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on
for it won't be long
'til i'm gonna need somebody to lean on"
- Lean On Me ~ Bill Withers

3am ramblings

i don't think i make much sense at 3am.

in fact,
i don't think anyone makes much sense at 3am.


but then again, some of the best inspiration comes at 3am.


do you ever wake up in the middle of the night (let's just go with 3am), and have some huge idea. or inspiration. or even epiphany?
i know for me some of the best lyrics i've written have been the result of 3am ramblings.


maybe it's because we're so emotional by this stage that our true feelings begin to show? or maybe it's because we're then overtired from this emotion that causes us to lose our minds?
why do we even let ourselves get to this stage though?


i mean, 3am ramblings, ideas, inspirations, whatever you would like to call them - have become a fact of life. even businesses are endorsing it - kikki k even has a '3am journal'. claiming that 'some of the best ideas happen after dark.'


i suppose this is an infinite question. it's personal opinion. it's personal experience. it depends on how much you like sleep! make up your own mind.


what do you think about at 3am?

friendship

a true friend isn't something you come across very often.
sometimes you may think that someone is a true friend, but it always seems to come crashing down when you least expect it, or maybe even sometimes, you can see it coming.

yes - this has happened to me, but i believe i am a stronger person because of it.
being stronger makes me realise my true friends.
if you are a true friend, i hope that you stay that way, because there's nothing worse than losing a loved one, even if it's a mental or emotional loss rather than a physical loss.
but then you find someone. and they seem to relieve the pain a little bit.

a friend once said to me:
"people label people, call people bestfriends... i really don't like it, i don't use labels, i am against them. i've never met anyone i've been able to put a label to because i feel like they don't know me. i always thought i'd never meet someone who i would be comfortable enough to be my true self. i'd never meet someone who would always be there for me. but you are my best friend. you are that person that i am myself around, that i love to death, that whatever pain they feel, i want to feel with them. i love you."

i don't even think they realise how much this means to me.

what i believe friendship is:
trust. being with someone who you can just sit with and be silent without it being awkward. memories. being so far apart that it hurts, even though you know they are always somehow with you. someone who you don't have to even talk to that often, but you seem to know that they are there. support. a shoulder to cry on. an ear to listen, even if there isn't always an answer. no judgement. love.
there is so much more, but i won't ramble on forever.

my point is, true friends are special, and to all of my true friends:
you are truly beautiful and amazing.
i love you so much, and can't ever thank you enough for just being you.

you mean the world to me, so please, don't ever forget that.

when did this happen?

body image.

wikipedia says: body image is a term which may refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance or the interpretation of the body by the brain. body image can be described as how individuals see themselves when looking in a mirror, or when picturing themselves in their mind, and their ideas about their body, such as height, shape, and weight and age.

but it's so much more than that. the fact that we look in the mirror and judge ourselves on that is completely ridiculous. we see something we don't like, and the negative thoughts begin. the negative thoughts are such a bad influence, and instead of doing something about this thing we don't perceive as 'good body image', we wallow in our own self-pity, saying that we are 'ugly' or 'fat', when really, someone else secretly wants to be us.

body image is one thing, but what a bad perception of our own body image can turn into is really frightening.

and yes, some people may actually do something about their body image - but is this always a good thing? in fact, sometimes if we try to change we are judged for doing so.

why has modern society made it so difficult to accept ourselves for who we are?

when did this happen?

when did what we look like become such a big issue?

shouldn't it be what's inside that matters?

so, the real question remains to be:

who do you see yourself as?

never ending

it's amazing how much can happen in a few weeks.
it's ridiculous how a few weeks ago can seem like a lifetime ago.
it's funny how you can go from everything being perfect one moment, to the world being turned upside down the next.
it's surprising that i still find this to be a new concept, after all; life is a rollercoaster, right?

the voice is a precious thing - i recently discovered this by doing the 40 hour famine: no use of the vocal chords. yes, it was a struggle, but not for the reasons you may think.
okay, there's the usual - of course it was so difficult not to talk, to have to write anything down or play charades when i needed something (the novelty wore off a lot quicker than i expected), and seeing as i randomly break out into song without even realising, it was very hard to control myself to stay silent for 40 hours.
but the real challenge? no voice meant no talking. no talking meant more thinking. more thinking meant over-thinking.
everything rushing through my head, silent laughing, silent thoughts, and silent pain.
and the rollercoaster continues.

it's never ending - even when we get off the rollercoaster for a moment, we step back onto it; in need of that adrenalin, in need of that happiness felt at the peak, completely forgetting about what is to follow.
and the rollercoaster continues.

one small thing

isn't it funny, how one small thing - maybe an item, an event, or even a person - can completely change everything. it can make your day. make everything seem a whole let better than it did ten minutes before.
i've had quite a bit of that lately.

an item. the memories with that item. or even something new, that you know will be of great use to you. it's like when you clean your room. and i don't just mean clean, i mean spring clean; clean out your cupboards, wardrobe, and along the way, you find little things that you may have thought went missing, or that reminds you of "that time when.." - all things like that. just for a moment, you can escape. think about something different. be happy.

an event. something to look forward to. the knowledge that if something bad happens in your day, the time that you spend will make it better, even if it's only temporarily.
or even something that you don't know about. an unexpected surprise. it's only something ever so small, but you'd be surprised at how much better it can make you feel.

a person. a friend. someone who i can talk to about literally everything that's going on. someone that i trust - something i haven't had in quite a while.
i don't even think they realise it, but just the simple hello, once in a while, can make all the difference. hell, just recieving a wall post, phone call, or even a simple text message about the small details of life that you thought nobody cared about can make my day.
it sounds stupid, but it's true.

so i leave it there. and the message for this week is positivity.
think of those little things.
the things that truly make you happy.
and even if it's just for a little while - it's worth it, isn't it?

definition

define emotion.
wikipedia says that emotion is associated with mood (a relatively long lasting emotional state), temperament (the aspects of ones personality), personality (a dynamic and organized set of characteristics possessed by a person that uniquely influences him or her), disposition (a habit, a preparation, a state of readiness, or a tendency to act in a specified way), and motivation (activation or energization of goal-orientated behavior).

but can we ever really define emotion?
personally, i've had a very emotional week. in fact, it would fall right into my whole rollercoaster life. there have been some ups, and some downs. but is emotion really that intricate? is it honestly linked with all these other parts what make up who we are?
well i guess that's just an ultimate question in itself. a question that we shall never know the answer to.

to me, emotion can be disappointing, it can be overwhelming or crushing to the soul, or it could even make your day. your emotions define you, and nobody will ever feel the same emotion that is burning inside your heart.

however, what you choose to do with that emotion is completely up to you.
it may not be what you do with it that is the problem though.
it's the consequences.
it's the results.
it's sometimes a good thing.
but it's epic judgement.

now judgement is another whole thing by itself.
judgement is the evaluation of evidence in the making of a decision.
what is that? evaluation of evidence?
judgement on the rollercoaster never even seems to get that far - all that ever happens is a slight rumour or lie or even a truth; sometimes your real emotions get out, get out of hand, and the judgement spreads like wildfire.
i know that i'm a culprit in this as well, but seriously, once you realise the full impact of things you say, you ask yourself why you even said such a thing in the first place.
i'm so sick of judgement.
it hurts.

so to anyone who this may apply to, i have a philosophy that my mother used to tell me when i was a child.


if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it all.

maybe try applying this to your own life..?

and so it begins..

and so it begins, as i join the craze of blogging - people pointing out their flaws, imperfections, hopes, desires, dreams, and on top of that, just a whole lot of random nothing.
oh, and not to forget the endless procrastination and trying to forget about reality for a little while.

but more to the point - i believe that life is a rollercoaster. hence name of this blog. and the story of my life.
there are always ups, and always downs, and even times when we think we're going to spin out of control - but no matter what we always have to get off the rollercoaster at one point or another, wait in line for our turn, and let all that adrenalin rush through out bodies while we wait for it all to begin again.

the rollercoaster may be hard sometimes,
but i love it too much to ever change it.